Faith and Family – Watching A Loved One Die: The Beauty and the Angst

Most anyone who has experienced the prolonged death of a loved one can attest to the difficulty it is to watch. The slow progression as death begins to take over is almost unbearable for family members. While it’s a comfort to say all the things you want to say and hear the things your loved one has to say…..as death becomes more imminent it’s a painful thing to witness.

However, many times there are moments…..moments of watching your loved one connect to the spiritual side and witness the transformation on their face and in their eyes. It’s truly a sight to behold and one to cherish.

My father-in-law was in the process of dying when I started to write this. He died four days ago. We didn’t think he’d survive even two days after hospice picked him up and took him home. He held on for two weeks. Two weeks of watching him slip further and further away. Two weeks of watching his body turn completely yellow due to the liver damage caused by the cancer. A couple of weeks of listening to him cry out, “Please help me”. Watching him drift into another state, face contorted in distress, mouth open, unable to communicate.

Heartwrenching.

It’s a difficult thing to wrap your head around. Especially with someone as handsome and gentlemanly and young in spirit as my father-in-law has always been. He looked at my husband a few months ago and just said wistfully, “It all went by so fast. How did I get here?” He was 94.

I think there’s a lot learn to learn from that statement and that question…..if he feels it went fast after 94 years on this earth, then all of us at a younger age need to learn from that. Life does go by fast. And, the way we live it matters. I want to take away from this the true importance of living life well…..and being content with that when God calls us home.

My father-in-law was always an unusually handsome man. One would say “hollywood good looks”. We have pictures of him as a younger man with his wife and friends looking every bit like a movie star. Or, maybe a Kennedy. Strong facial features, big beautiful smile. And ever the gentleman. Any and all describe him as the ultimate gentleman. My son posted the definition of gentleman on Facebook in a tribute to his grandfather….”Noun: gent-le-man 1) a chilvalrous, courteous and honorable man”. This is the epitome of my father-in-law. Old world charm, politeness, thoughtfulness. From an era long ago and yet we were priveleged to experience it in our lifetime.

As hard as the process was we realize we were fortunate that he only suffered two weeks after coming home for hospice care. I can’t imagine the anguish of a longer demise….one that so many others have had to endure. Two weeks was a gift and we all realize it. Both a gift of time that we had with him and a gift of brevity in the dying process that could have taken so much longer. In that two weeks we can all attest to the fact that in the midst of the sadness and angst there were some sweet precious moments that we will always cherish. Moments that could simultaneously send chills down your spine, bring a gasp and a fascinated glance between loved ones. and instantaneous tears of bewilderment, beauty and awe.

There were connections made. And, we were blessed to watch it happen.

Connections made to the outside world.

No…..it’s not the medicine. It’s not delerium or hallucinations. It was a clear and evident spiritual connection and it was riveting to watch. How anyone could watch this process….see these connections and doubt that there is an afterlife is beyond me. He saw loved ones in the afterlife. Clear as day. No doubt. And we were priveleged enough to experience it.

One of the most precious evenings was when my sister-in-law and two brother-in-laws had flown in and my husband, myself, my other sister-in-law and brother-in-law, my niece and nephew, my son and daughter were around his bed. We’d actually all gone home (except for my family who lived there) and then got the call that his breathing and countenance had changed. We all hurried back, surrounded his bed, prayed with him, played audio scriptures to him, told him how much we loved him. A moving, precious moment as we watched him drift into what we thought was oncoming death. His eyes suddenly became fixated on something above, something “other wordly” that had him mesmerized and awed. Slowly he reached his hand up to the air as though reaching out for someone…..a look of wonder in his gaze and peace on his face.

It was breathtaking to witness.

He was connecting to the supernatural and there was no denying it.

It was a beautiful moment to watch and we were all in awe and filled with tears at the sight.

The Lord decided to wait before taking him home that night and he drifted off to sleep. We went home and continued the process the next day. Gathering around his bed, telling him how much we loved him, stroking his head, rubbing his hands, etc.

I suddenly became exhausted and went to my brother-in-law’s office to get a quick nap in. When I returned to the room I was told that he had another connection where he was seeing something…people and something else. He had been uttering “help me”, “where do I go”. He looked up and said, “take me” and then “do we take the train?”. And, then he called out two names. “Billy, Rick”. His son who died a few years ago. And, my dad who died eleven years ago. This sent me into tears. Not only did he see his oldest son, but he saw my dad! What an honor and a privelege it was to hear that.

Profoundly deep and moving.

There were other sweet moments throughout the two weeks that were so heartwarming and precious. So as I said, in the midst of the grave sadness we saw some beauty in the ashes.

At one point I had slipped back into the room and sat down. I didn’t even think he knew I was in there. His eyes had been shut and I thought he was sleeping. Suddenly he cried out my name and I went over to him and leaned down so he could see me. “Sheri”, he said, opening his eyes and looking into mine, “I always thought you were the absolute best.” Through tears I told him I always thought the same of him.

Beauty in the ashes.

We were given the gift of time with him. For everyone to say what they wanted and needed him to hear and for him to do the same. That part of this difficult process was an absolute gift.

We hired an outside medical service to help with him almost around the clock. One of our favorite caregivers was a wonderful, kind Christian man named Raymond. He was the one we spent the most time with and we all became very fond of him. He was from India, literally living in poverty on the streets as a young child with his mom and siblings when Mother Theresa found them and saved them. Yes, the actual Mother Theresa. She put them in a small house and paid their rent and helped them to survive. He eventually grew up and through a series of events ended up in the United States. Through his job he has seen a lot. He told us that you could clearly tell when people were connecting to the other side. “You can see it when they make the connection”, he said, “by the look in their eyes”. One of the other workers said the same thing.

And, that is something we all clearly saw.

His last day here on earth there had been no engagement or response from him. Not much movement the entire day and we were all once again standing around his bed. Watching him, soothing him, loving him. When my son walked into the room and we told him “Daniel is here”, his hands suddenly flailed into the air seeking Daniel’s. His eyes were closed and there was no other movement as he grabbed Daniel’s hands and held them for a time. Grandfather and grandson. Grandfather leaving three generations behind and grandson just starting his family and a legacy of his own.

Another gift. A sweet, precious moment.

We got the call the next morning around 5:00am that he’d crossed over to eternity. Raymond, my sister-in-law, my brother-in-law and my nephew were all with him when he passed into glory.

And, while we had so wanted to be there with him when he crossed over we were at peace with it. God took him when he was ready and therefore all was well with our souls. It’s a hard phone call to get, but one we clearly anticipated and we knew it was time for him to be rid of the earthly body that was betraying him. Time for his spirit to soar….into the next life…..into the loving arms of Jesus.

It’s still a difficult thing to process….the death of a loved one.

Yes, even when they’re 94 years old. Yes, he lived a good life….yes, he lived a long life….but, he was still an integral part of our lives. My husband talked to his dad almost every single day and visited him once a week. His family…children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren….loved him dearly and deeply.

Just because he was “old” it doesn’t diminish the loss.

He’s going to be missed here.

Greatly.

But, we have the assurance and satisfaction of knowing we will be reunited with him one day. This life here is a short bridge to eternity and one day our spirit will simply leave this flesh behind just as his did and we will enter into eternity with Jesus, my father-in-law, his wife who went before him, his son Billy, my dad….and the list goes on.

And while it’s difficult to witness the death of a loved one…..in that truth we can certainly rejoice.

Live your life well and love your loved ones well.

Then when Jesus calls you home you’ll have left a legacy of love and kindness behind.

Just as my father-in-law did.

Love, hugs and blessings,

Sheri

Sidenote for those in North Texas:

The service we used to help with this process is a wonderful organization in our area called Living Well. (Click name for website) They provided great help. Courteous, prompt, friendly and efficient. If you’re in North Texas and in need of help this is a service you might be interested in. We had someone come in during the day from around 8:00am – 5:00pm. And again from 10:00pm to 7:00am. I can’t tell you what a help they were.